


In this harsh world

by CirrusGrey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Episode Related, Grief/Mourning, I genuinely cried writing this that's never happened before, M/M, Sad, Spoilers for Episode 181, Suicidal Thoughts, canon-typical codependency, no one dies but they're still grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26773804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey
Summary: SPOILERS FOR MAG 181!!!"If you’re that connected, that dependent, what happens if we actually, y’know, do manage to–"They talk about it.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 70
Kudos: 270





	In this harsh world

"So," Martin says, when they are what feels like a day or more away from Upton House, and he has told Jon all that he can remember of what transpired there. "You can't survive without the Beholding."

Jon tenses beside him, shoulders going stiff. "Apparently not."

"And we're trying to remove the Beholding from the world."

"Yes," Jon says, softening with it, the tension bleeding away into something quiet and tired and sad, and Martin's heart aches for him.

"So what do we do?" It is a question whose answer he dreads. Jon just smiles, lips quirking up with a bittersweet tilt.

"We do what we have to do," he says. "And we hope for the best."

"Jon," Martin says, voice already choked. "I'm not losing you. That's not- that's just not an option."

"What choice do we have?" Jon glances at him, smile still in place. "The whole world is at stake, Martin. I can't place my own life over that. And... I'm not going to sit back and watch you spend the rest of your life trapped in this hell, for me.  _ That's  _ not an option, either."

"Better stuck in hell with you then living in a saved world alone," Martin says, and Jon does not crack a joke about how nice a sentiment it is, not this time. He just drops his head, and stares at the ground in front of his feet as they walk.

"I'm sorry," he says eventually, and Martin could scream at him with how much futile rage that response raises in him.

Instead he takes a deep, shaky breath, and says, "I can't live without you, Jon."

Jon huffs a laugh. "Well. Maybe you'll get lucky, and we'll die together in a blaze of glory, saving the world and damning ourselves with it."

Martin closes his eyes. "It's probably not a good thing that I'm actually hoping for that, is it?" he says, toneless.

"Might be a bit codependent." He feels Jon's eyes on him, though he does not open his own. "I can't say I wouldn't feel the same, though, if our situations were reversed."

Martin nods. He knows.

"Mikaele's camera," he says, when the silence between them grows unbearable. "He said it stores fear. Do you think we'd be able to bleed that off slowly, just enough at a time to keep one Avatar alive without his god?"

Jon's laugh is more a breath of air than any sort of humor. "I don't know, Martin. It is antithetical to everything I am in its current state. I couldn't tell you a thing about it."

"Right," Martin says, and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. It doesn't work.

"Martin," Jon says softly, and Martin turns to look at him. Jon takes his hand. "I'm sorry," he continues, still almost a whisper. "But I'm not getting a happy ending. Not after everything. If you survive..."

"It'll be alone," Martin finishes, and feels the first tears slip down his face.

"Not alone," Jon pulls them both to a stop; lays his hand on the side of Martin's face. "You'll have people. Basira, Melanie, Georgie. You won't be alone, Martin, never again."

"But you won't be there." Martin turns his face, pressing into Jon's hand, squeezing his other hand tighter. "I can't lose you again."

"I'm so sorry," Jon says, and Martin sobs. Jon draws him close, gathering him to his chest in a hug, and holds him.

It isn't even new information. It is a topic they have been dancing around since the moment they left the cabin, a possibility that has been hanging over their heads for their entire journey. But now they have  _ proof, _ incontrovertible evidence that Jon cannot make it out of this world alive, and it cuts Martin to his core.

He'll probably die before he has to see that. It's unlikely he'll live through the apocalypse, himself. If Jon cannot survive in a saved world, he does not  _ want  _ to live through the apocalypse.

But it is still a possibility, and he cannot ignore it any longer.

"It's okay, Martin," Jon is saying, pressing the words into his hair in a series of small kisses. "You'll be okay, you won't be alone. You have friends, you'll make more, you'll find reasons to live. You'll be  _ happy, _ Martin, someday. You'll be  _ free." _

Jon does not want him to die. Jon will do practically anything to make sure he does not. It is the cruelest kindness Martin has ever known.

_ "How?" _ he chokes out, speaking the words into the crook of Jon's neck. "How can you expect me to go on without you? To be  _ happy, _ without you there?"

"There'll be other things, other  _ people,  _ that bring you happiness. There always are."

"I don't want that," Martin says, and Jon takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't want to have to move on without you. I can't- I can't just let you go like that."

"Then don't," Jon whispers, and holds him tighter. "Moving on isn't letting go. Carry the memories. Keep me in your heart. Be the Horatio, to my tragic Prince Hamlet." He draws back, placing his hands on Martin's shoulders and looking him in the eye. "And in this harsh world, draw thy breath in pain to tell our story."

_ "Jon," _ Martin sobs.

Jon leans in, and kisses him. "There's no one else I'd trust more to do it," he says. "And know, with every day that passes, that I'm so, so proud of you for making it through."

There is nothing Martin can say to that, nothing he can do. He knows Jon is not wrong: if he lives through this, he will go on. He will tell their story, keep Jon alive in memory, through the strength of his love. He will live. He will be happy, someday.

At the moment, he can't find it in him to care.

"Don't leave me," he begs. "If there is any way -  _ any  _ way - out of this, for both of us. No matter what it costs."

"I promise," Jon murmurs, and draws him into another embrace. "I promise, Martin. I'll never leave you. Even if I die. I'll still be with you."

"Don't  _ say  _ that," Martin protests, and Jon falls silent, and holds him.

Eventually, they will move on. Eventually, Martin will scrub the tears from his face, and choke back the despair in his heart, and push forward to their inevitable end, whatever that end may be. Eventually, they will both pretend this conversation never happened, and go back to ignoring the fact that they lost their chance at a happy ending a long time ago.

But for now, they simply hold each other, and Martin cries, and Jon comforts him in whatever small way he can.


End file.
